How to Stop Being Our Own Worst Critic

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How to Stop Being Our Own Worst Critic

Holly Gort • May 27, 2022

This blog post is from Stephanie May Wilson an awesome blogger and podcaster. Give her a follow.

“We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” – 2 Corinthians 10:5

There are seasons in life when I just cannot give myself a break . Do you ever have times like that? Every moment, every glance in the mirror, every action is a reminder of all the ways I fall short — of all the things I could be, could do, and ways I could look but don’t.

I think things like, “You really should go to the gym more. You are really looking gross these days. Of course you failed, you always do. Could you possibly be more annoying?”

I make a simple mistake like forgetting to bring my lunch, and my thoughts are entirely unforgiving. “You always do stuff like this! You are so forgetful and irresponsible! You can just be hungry until we get home. That’ll teach you to remember things next time!”

I crack down on myself hard. I think that if I am just a little bit meaner, just a little bit harsher, if I just raise the bar a little bit, I’ll be motivated enough to leap over it. I’ll meet the sky-high expectations I have for myself and stop being such a disappointment.

For years, more years than I can count, this is how I’ve talked to myself. I’ve been my own worst critic. I’ve criticized my body, and my mind, and my actions, and my skills. I’ve held myself up to my friends, and coworkers, and women I’ve never even met. “Why can’t you be more like her?” I’d ask myself. “You have got to get it together!”

As I say these words out loud to you, I feel like I’m peeking out from a dark corner. Anyone else? Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?

It feels totally vulnerable to admit to these thoughts. Mostly because I feel like I’m way too nice of a person to say things like this, and that’s true! I would never talk to someone else like this! I have all the grace in the world for other people — they’re human, they’re in process, they’re doing the best they can.

But I am the exception, the lucky winner that gets to be the object and source of all of my disdain, and it wasn’t until a girlfriend of mine uttered one simple sentence that I realized how ludicrous this whole thing really is.

We were getting ready to go to dinner, when I peered into the mirror and let one of my thoughts accidentally slip out. “I can’t believe I let myself gain so much weight. Seriously, I’m so big, I look terrible, and the worst part is that it’s my fault! If I was just more disciplined and not so lazy, I wouldn’t be in this mess to begin with.”

Mean, right? I still can’t believe I said it out loud, but I’m so glad I did, because my friend didn’t skip a beat. She didn’t ask for clarification or sweep it cleanly under the rug. She turned to me with glowering eyes and snapped, “Don’t talk about my friend that way.”

I was instantly both so embarrassed I could disappear and so grateful I could cry. I felt caught red-handed, and heroically defended all at once. I was the attacker and the victim. She was coming to my defense, ready to fight the one who was hurting my feelings, knowing full well that the assailant was me.

As we drove to dinner, we talked about the way we all talk to ourselves sometimes. “We think we get a free pass to be cruel because we’re being cruel to ourselves. But we don’t get a free pass to treat anyone that way, and we shouldn’t have to put up with treatment like that from anyone, especially not ourselves.”

She was right. Of course she was right. And her words have stuck with me ever since.

There are enough naysayers in the world, and the more I’ve thought about this, I’ve realized that I don’t want to be another one.

At least we can get away from the naysayers, but we’re stuck with ourselves. If we’re our own worst critic, we’re stuck with our own worst critic right there in our ear. Every time we brush our teeth, every time we take a chance at work, every time we fall asleep, she’s there, telling us we’re not good enough, that we should be different or that we’re a disappointment.

And I’ve just decided I don’t want to play that game anymore.

Life is far too hard, and far too short to be our own worst critics, and it never seems to help us get better anyway. Good things don’t come out of shame; good things come out of kindness, support, and encouragement.

So these days, I try to talk to myself the way I would a friend:

“Good job, sweet girl.”

“You tried, and that’s really saying something.”

“You are beautiful.”

“I’m so proud of you.”

Maybe you are never your own worst critic, and if that’s true, I want to give you a hug and a high five and ask you to teach us all of your ways. But if you are, if the thoughts in your head speak to you this way sometimes, let me grab them by their collar, look them straight in the eye, and say, “Don’t talk about my friend that way!” You don’t deserve to be treated that way, not even by yourself.

Take some time this week to start paying a bit more attention to your thoughts. What kinds of things are you saying to yourself throughout the day? Are you your own worst critic, or do you talk to yourself like a friend? Let’s start paying a bit more attention, and start making intentional choices with our thoughts. Let’s start talking to ourselves the way we would a friend.

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From the BeYOUtiful team: Take comfort in knowing that we are all imperfect and please, PLEASE don't let any little imperfection or mistake stop you from loving who you are! As Image Consultants our job is to help you embrace yourself, your body and build your confidence in the way God made you. If you'd like that boost in confidence, we'd love to serve you. www.beyoutifulimageconsulting.com or email us at beyoutifulimageconsulting@gmail.com

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P.S. If you’re needing even more encouragement in this area, check out this podcast episode: Girls Night #105: How to Find Your Calling and Live with Confidence .

and Practical Ways to Make your Day-to-Day Easier #161

Love,

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We Stopped Going House to House for the Holidays. Here's Why.... Written by Lindsey Maestas a favorite Blogger of Lisa's

By Written by Lindsey Maestas • 05 Dec, 2022

When we were first married, the holidays were a really stressful time for us. We went to 5 different Christmases at 5 different houses. We wanted to spend as much time as we could with our family, and we didn’t want to disappoint anyone, so we made it happen. We were trying our best, but as soon we had to leave somewhere, there was always at least one comment that made us feel guilty. We knew that they intended well, and we truly are thankful that our family loves us enough to want us around. But we would still leave the house feeling so discouraged because, in reality, Jesse and I had spent absolutely no time alone together; we were simply trying to accommodate everyone else. Then we hit a turning point. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Our son Sutton was 1 1/2 years old and we rushed home a ridiculous number of times to pick up food and gifts to take to the next house. And then the next house. And then the next. Jesse decided on our final trip home that night that he pretty much despised the holidays and it made me so sad. He had always loved and looked forward to them when we were dating. We were stressed out with each other and far from ‘merry.’ And honestly, that day had looked so much different than what I had dreamt of time and time again as I imagined celebrating my son’s first real Christmas. When we finally came home for the night, it was completely dark. Sutton’s toys were piled up, untouched, in the corner. He didn’t get to open or play with anything that day and he was passed out by the time we got home. Our house was a disaster because I had rushed to cook and bake everything for each house and didn’t have time to clean before we left. We also spent an inordinate amount of money on 19 kids, 10 siblings and 3 White Elephant parties. We were completely exhausted, frazzled and frustrated. It was in that moment when we both realized that, although we both desperately love our families, we are our own family now. We have to set healthy boundaries in order to invest in and nurture this little family we have created – even during the holidays. Jesse and I have always clung to this verse in our marriage, but somehow forgot to implement it into the holiday season: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Gen. 2:24 We are our own family now. And while it is absolutely crucial for me to teach Sutton that Christmas is about Jesus and loving and serving others, I also don’t want to create strife or forfeit our family principles to people-please or to simply fulfill society’s standard of what Christmas is supposed to look like. We love being generous and we love giving gifts. It is one of our favorite things to do as a family. I love making all of the holiday food (like our famous cranberry jalapeno dip! ) We also absolutely adore spending time with our families, and we look forward to a time of relaxation with them every single year. But, you guys, when we spread ourselves so thin, neither we, nor our families, actually get that relaxation. We are so busy and exhausted that they actually get very little of our energy or attention. Every family is different, and every family has unique boundaries. In our family, we personally still do our best to see everyone because we really do love it. However, now, we have split the days up. The timespan spent at each home is shorter and we don’t allow guilt to consume us if we can’t make it somewhere. Sweet friends, I want you to consider this. When you exceed your budget by hundreds of dollars, simply to fulfill America’s expectation of giving a gift to everyone in your family (which they will likely take to Goodwill in 6 months), you are forfeiting your boundaries and possibly making an unwise financial decision for your own little fa mily. When you and your spouse are at one another’s throats because you have to put on a false smile for your in-laws who you swear have it out for you, you are sacrificing the health of the one you were intended to cling to for the family that you were intended to separate from after you said, ‘I do.’ Here’s what I’m not saying: I’m not saying that you should say ‘no’ to everything and everyone. Scripture reminds us that those who are faithful in very little are also faithful with much. I’m not saying you shouldn’t buy gifts. We are called to be generous with the money that we have because ultimatel y it is God’s, not ours. I don’t necessarily equate that verse to giving gifts on Christmas, but I do think there is something special about the joy that comes from placing presents under the tree for those we love. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t make small sacrifices to spend time with your husband’s family or that he shouldn’t spend time with yours. Philippians 2:3-4 says, “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It is important to place your spouse’s needs above your own and to place other people (even extended family) above your own needs as well. Our reward for doing so may not ever come on this earth, but they will be waiting for us in heaven. I encourage you to love your extended family so well throughout the entire year that the holidays aren’t a question of whether or not your family is important to you, simply because you can’t attend one Thanksgiving dinner. Here’s the thing: Jesus has given YOU freedom. Even on the holidays. This year, let us leave behind the obligation and lie that we need to be all things to all people. Instead, let’s focus on honoring God with our lives while clinging to our own little families during the holiday season. Slow down. Go to church or make a cup of hot cocoa and enjoy the day inside with your little family. Simply do your best to lo ve and serve those around you without allowing pressure or obligation to consume you. And most importantly, spread true joy and the love of Jesus with those you come across. It might even be a lot easier this time around because you’ll be rested enough to do so. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!

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